


A Grimm Tale

by latin_cat



Category: Blake et Mortimer | Blake and Mortimer
Genre: Book: Les Trois Formules du Professeur Satō | Professor Satō's Three Formulae, Book: S.O.S. Météores | S.O.S. Meteors, Disney Parody, Fairy Tale Parody, Humor, M/M, Parody, Silly, pantomime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22376842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/latin_cat/pseuds/latin_cat
Summary: Some day her Prince will come... Sharkey loves his Disney.Short, silly little piece shamelessly taking its cue fromLes Trois Formules du Professeur Satō.
Relationships: Colonel Olrik/Sharkey, Francis Blake/Philip Mortimer
Kudos: 12





	A Grimm Tale

**Author's Note:**

> I found myself at a loose end over Christmas, and decided to write up a silly little idea I'd had for a while as a modest offering of some Festive Fun.
> 
> Only what was meant to be a light-hearted giggle turned into a much more structured parody, and then found a way to nestle itself into the canon sequence... and it is now no longer Christmas, but nearly February. But still January, and right at the end of Pantomime season here in the UK ("Humourous" plays based on fairytales. Google it at your peril.).
> 
> So... Happy New Year?

_**Once upon a time** there was a lovely little Princess named Snow White. Her vain and patriotic Stepmother, the Queen, had heard a prophecy that some day Snow White’s loyalty of heart would win the love of a Prince who would conquer the World. So she dressed the little Princess in rags, cut short her beautiful golden locks, and forced her to work as a Scullery Maid and Bouncer._

_Each day the self-satisfied Queen would smooth back her hair with Brylcreem, trim her small blonde moustache just so, and consult her Magic Mirror._

_'_ _Magic Mirror, to me impart_

_Who now holds the Prince’s heart?’_

_And as long as the Mirror answered ‘None yet holds the Prince’s heart.’ Snow White was safe from her cruel jealousy._

_Despite her lowly state, year by year the Princess grew in strength and height (if not in beauty) ‘til she could carry the heaviest buckets as if they were feather pillows, thump the living daylights out of any stablehand who tried to take advantage of her, and throw the rowdiest of drunken lords or knights down the Castle steps if they got too disrespectful during a banquet._

_Yet the rough work gave her rough manners and appearance, and so she became known to all as “Sharkey White”. Still the Princess persevered, and dreamed each day of her freedom._

_One day a tall, dark, handsome and mysterious Prince came riding by the Castle. No one knew from whence he came (though it was suggested he was Hungarian), but it was said a fortune teller had prophesied at his birth that he would one day conquer the World._

_The Prince was not superstitious, but as ambitions went it sounded like a good idea, so for years he had been touring the Kingdoms to assess the strength of his rivals, making plans in secret to achieve his destiny. He had heard tell of the Queen’s fabled beauty and highly trained network of intelligence agents, and had come to determine if she might prove a useful ally to his cause or a bitter enemy._

_As he entered the Castle courtyard his eyes were arrested by the tall figure of Sharkey White throwing a bothersome merchant into the kitchen well. Seeing her brutal efficiency and the strong muscles straining beneath her ragged peasant dress, his heart was immediately lost. Were he to have such a Maiden by his side, nothing could stand in his way!_

_Not caring for her apparently lowly status, he rushed over to the Princess and declared his love. Surprised but thrilled, Sharkey White told him her name and the circumstances of her servitude – for the moment she saw the handsome, charming and cunning Prince, she knew her heart could belong to no other._

_Enraged by what he heard, the Prince vowed he would return and secure the Princess’ release, after which they would both revenge themselves on the Queen for her wickedness._

_Sharkey White rejoiced at this news. She had wanted to slap that nasty piece of work of a Queen silly for years._

_But the Queen’s spies had been watching the Princess. When the Queen heard their report she ran to the Mirror and demanded –_

_‘Magic Mirror, to me impart_

_Who now holds the Prince’s heart?’_

_And the Mirror answered –_

_‘Oh Queen, fear now the Prince’s might_

_For his heart is claimed by Sharkey White.’_

_The Queen let out a cry of anguish. Despite all her efforts her fears had come true, and the Prince who was her guest must be the one destined to overthrow her. If she was to defeat him, she must be rid of Sharkey White._

_So the Queen summoned her faithful lover, the red-bearded Professor Huntsman. Together they devised a plan; the Queen would receive the Prince with a sumptuous banquet and seduce him into believing she was his ally. Meanwhile, Professor Huntsman would take Sharkey White deep into the Forest where he was conducting his latest archaeological excavation, supposedly to help dig trenches, and far from prying eyes he would kill the Princess._

_That afternoon the plot was set in motion. Whilst the Queen entertained the Prince at the banquet, Professor Huntsman took Sharkey White into the deepest, darkest part of the Forest and pretended to get on with his work. His opportunity came when the Princess was distracted, rescuing a baby bluebird by strangling the falcon that tried to snatch it, and Professor Huntsman crept up behind the Maid, raising his glittering trowel to strike her dead._

_But his shadow fell across the ground in front of Sharkey White. She turned to see his sharp trowel raised, and quick as a flash thumped him in the guts before running away as fast as she could, deeper and deeper into the woods._

_Though she had escaped Professor Huntsman, Sharkey White now faced a new trial. She had run so fast and far that she was now completely lost, and the sun was setting fast. She was cold, hungry, exhausted and really wanted to hit the hay._

_Just when the Princess began to despair of ever finding her way out of the woods or seeing the Prince again, the little bluebird she had saved returned. It had gathered its parents and all its forest friends, and out of gratitude they led the Princess to a small cottage with a tiny door._

_Sharkey White knocked gently, and after she’d picked the door back up off the floor she crawled inside to find there was nobody home. The house was dark and dirty – dust and cobwebs everywhere, clothes draped all over the doll-like furniture, ashes piled up all around the fire beneath a pot of leftover stew._

_Sharkey White, though, was too exhausted to care about the mess. Not bothering to wipe her muddy boots or wash her hands, she ate the leftover stew, traipsed upstairs and then, giving a huge yawn, dropped down to lie across all seven of the small unmade beds. She fell asleep instantly, and as her delicate snores rattled the window panes of the cottage, the forest friends wisely decided to return to their dens._

_A few hours later the owners of the cottage returned. They were a band of seven little former henchmen on early release, who spent their days mining precious stones which they traded with their parole officer in the city over the mountains. Seeing the door of their cottage hanging off its hinges, they immediately assumed they had been burgled. Proceeding with caution, they discovered all their food had been eaten, and trembled in fear at the enormous muddy footprints on the floor and great growling snores that came from upstairs. A terrible monster must have come from the Forest, they whispered, must have gorged itself and fallen asleep upstairs! Their only chance was to slay the beast in its sleep._

_Arming themselves, they silently mounted the stairs, and on entering the bedroom they saw a great shape – so huge it lay across all seven beds! Creeping up to it, they raised their hatchets ready to strike, but stopped in surprise when they saw their intruder was not a beast, but a strapping young Maiden. Awestruck and bewildered, the Dwarves agreed amongst themselves to let her sleep, and would decide what to do with her in the morning._

_Back at the Castle, the Prince had not fallen for the Queen’s pretence and charms, knowing full well that she was too devoted to her country and her red-bearded lover to betray either for him. Suspecting his refusal might cost him his life, he excused himself with haste, and hurried to the Servants’ Hall to fetch his beloved Sharkey White away with him. But, alas! None had seen the Princess since that morning, when she had left with Professor Huntsman._

_Hearing this news the Prince feared the worst, and swore he would not rest until he found Sharkey White dead or alive, and thus would avenge her accordingly. So resolved, he left the Castle, a plan already forming in his brilliant mind._

_At the cottage of the Dwarves, Sharkey White had at last woken and explained her plight to the seven little men. Moved by her story, they offered to let her stay if she kept house for them and provided protection for their jewels on the way to market. Robbers had stolen their last couple of shipments, and the Dwarves reckoned they could use a Maid with her qualities on their team. Sharkey White gladly accepted, and to show how grateful she was she sang them a song._

_When the Princess had finished her song and the dust had settled, the Dwarves further agreed that she could stay if she promised never to sing again._

_When Professor Huntsman finally regained consciousness from Sharkey White’s hefty punch, he hastened to return to the Queen to warn her that the Princess still lived. But the Prince, cunning as ever, had prepared an ambush in anticipation of his returning to the Castle. Setting his Hoard of Eastern knights upon him, they seized Professor Huntsman and carried him away to the Prince’s Stronghold. There he was imprisoned at the very top of the highest tower and questioned as to whether the Princess lived, and if so where she might be found. When Professor Huntsman refused to answer, the Prince vowed he would learn the truth, or take the man’s life in the attempt._

_On her lover failing to return, the Queen sent forth her spies to discover his fate. When at last she learnt he was a prisoner in the Prince’s Stronghold under threat of death by torture, she focussed all her efforts on setting him free._

_A month passed. Despite daily torture on the Prince’s orders, Professor Huntsman kept his silence. His blind devotion to the Queen meant he would do all in his power to ensure the Prince and Sharkey White would never be reunited – even at the cost of his own life._

_But as the Prince’s fury grew, the interrogations became more severe. Fearing for her lover, the Queen sent a message via a loyal servant, instructing Professor Huntsman to offer the Prince the secret of his Attack Swordfish; deadly creatures that could not only hunt beneath the waves, but take to the wing._

_The Prince was tempted at the prospect, knowing a shoal of Swordfish would make him invincible against his enemies. So he relented and allowed Professor Huntsman liberty enough to begin his work under close guard, whilst the Prince set about other, more subtle methods to try and locate his beloved._

_But Professor Huntsman had no intention of breeding the Swordfishes. Once he was released from confinement, the Queen sent a false report that Sharkey White had been seen wandering, pining near the Western Fjord. The Prince left at once to investigate. When he had been gone a night and a morning, the Queen mounted a lightning raid on the Stronghold and snatched Professor Huntsman from his captors, returning at once with him to her Castle, where for now he would be beyond the Prince’s reach._

_But her joy at regaining her lover was soon replaced by fear when she learnt from Professor Huntsman that Sharkey White still lived. She went at once to her Mirror –_

_‘Magic Mirror, within your sight_

_Where now dwells Sharkey White?’_

_And the Mirror replied –_

_‘Deep within the Forest_

_Beneath the Mountains green,_

_At the cottage of the Seven Dwarves_

_Sharkey White has been seen.’_

_As the Queen had never heard of the Seven Dwarves or their cottage, she once again sent out her spies to discover more._

_Once they had found the cottage the Mirror referred to, Professor Huntsman suggested they deal with the Princess swiftly and decisively. Only one of his Swordfish had so far reached maturity, but it would be enough to deal with both Sharkey White and the Dwarves. Yet the Queen was unwilling to risk such an errand when the Prince might attack any day; not when she believed a simpler, more subtle plan was in order._

_So she fetched six bottles of beer from the kitchens. Consulting her books of Dark Alchemy, she devised a poison that would stop the Princess’ heart and breath, trapping her forever in a sleeping death. The only antidote was Love’s First Kiss, but the Queen believed there was no danger. Thinking the Princess dead, the Dwarves would bury her alive, and sealed in a coffin beneath the earth she would be parted from the Prince forever._

_The Queen laced one bottle with the poison and put it with the others in a basket, packing it out with ice. The Queen knew Sharkey White’s tastes well, and after a month stuck in the Forest without an ice-cold beer, the Princess would not be able to resist._

_Finally, she disguised herself as a bent old crone, and so masterful was she in her art that not even Professor Huntsman recognised her. Then gathering the basket of poisoned beer, she set off into the Forest to deliver her deadly gift to Sharkey White._

_During this time Sharkey White had been living happily with the Dwarves. On her first trip to market as their bodyguard, she had beaten three kinds of brick dust out of five robbers who had tried to waylay their cargo. After this, news had spread quite quickly that merchants on the Mountain Road were no longer a soft touch. The Dwarves had also noticed that they received a fairer price for their gems when they had the strapping Princess stood behind them during negotiations, her arms folded and scowling menacingly._

_It was an easy, simple life, and Sharkey White enjoyed it much more than her days scrubbing the Castle floors and suffering the Queen’s cruel abuse. She did not even find the cleaning and homemaking all that demanding, as the Dwarves’ standards were not particularly high, and the Princess found she could skimp on a number of chores, or bribe her forest friends to do them for her whilst the Dwarves were out at work._

_But there was a pang in the Princess’ heart, for above all things she longed to be reunited with her handsome Prince. The Dwarves, however, mindful of the Queen’s spies and not eager to lose so valuable a member of their outfit, warned her against trying to get word to the Prince as to her whereabouts. For one, she did not know the mysterious Prince’s name or address, and secondly the information would undoubtedly be intercepted by the Queen, who would immediately come after her Stepdaughter._

_And after all, they said. If the Prince was as cunning, clever and true as Sharkey White said, surely he would find her anyway?_

_Reluctantly, Sharkey White agreed, and she stayed hidden at the cottage. Yet every day the Princess thought of her Prince, and she would tell the little bluebird and all her forest friends that if they were to ever see him, they must lead him straight to her. Then he would carry her away to his Stronghold, where they would live happily ever after._

_That morning the Dwarves left for work in their mines. They said farewell to their dear Sharkey White, wishing her a pleasant day and warning her not to talk to any strangers, less they be agents of the Queen. Then they took up their tools and went on their way, singing their annoyingly catchy work song – though for some strange reason the Princess felt there ought to be a line about a hand grenade in there somewhere.*_

_Once the Dwarves had gone, the Princess set about her own work. Picking up her axe she marched outside and began splitting wood for the fire, whilst the squirrels very helpfully cleaned the chimney. The day was hot, and very soon Sharkey White began to build up a sweat. The Princess rested on her axe and mopped her brow. Water was all very well for quenching her thirst, and whistling was a way to make the time pass quicker, but what she wouldn’t have given for a nice, cool beer to help the job along!_

_Just as the sun was reaching its zenith, an old pedlar woman arrived at the cottage carrying a covered basket. This startled the Princess a little, as the Dwarves did not get many visitors, but Sharkey White’s face lit up when the woman lifted the cover off her basket and explained she was selling beer, and asked if the Maid might like to sample her wares._

_Seeing the gleaming bottles nestled in their bed of ice, Sharkey White knew the sweet old lady must have been sent in answer to her prayer, and without hesitation took the offered bottle and eagerly swigged the beer down in one gulp. But barely had the Princess time to give an appreciative belch before she began to feel unwell. Her breath began to fail, the feeling left her limbs, her heart slowed and her skin turned icy cold. Unable to utter even the faintest of cries, the Princess’ eyes fell shut and she dropped to the ground with a mighty thump, and lay there like one of the dead._

_The Queen, for it was indeed she in the guise of the old pedlar woman, looked on in joyful astonishment. That had certainly been a lot easier than she had thought it would be._

_The wicked deed accomplished, the Queen cast aside her disguise and returned to her Castle in triumph. Certain that Sharkey White would soon be placed in a grave and beyond the Prince’s reach forever, she decreed a great celebration throughout the land of tea, medals, and an obscene amount of bunting._

_When the Dwarves returned that evening, they were devastated to find the Princess’ body surrounded by her weeping forest friends. The whole thing had happened so fast that none of the dear creatures had even had time to warn the Princess, let alone run off to try and fetch the Dwarves. Yet still they found Sharkey White so magnificent, even in death, that the Dwarves could not find it in their hearts to bury her, and they fashioned a coffin of glass and gold, and kept eternal vigil at her side._

_The Prince, who had searched far and wide, heard of the Maiden who slept in the glass coffin. Filled with foreboding, he journeyed at once to where the Dwarves kept their vigil. At the sight of his fair Sharkey White pale and lifeless, his noble heart broke into a thousand pieces. He had found his beloved, but too late! What use, he asked himself, was conquering the World if Sharkey White was no longer in it?_

_At his request the Dwarves removed the coffin lid, and the Prince knelt beside his lost love…_

‘Sharkey!’

_…leaning forward to bestow a final tender kiss…_

‘Sharkey?’

_…little imagining that the touch of his lips on hers would break the Queen’s evil spell, and bring –_

‘Useless lump… Sharkey! Wake up!’

Sharkey lurches awake, letting out a pained yelp at the sharp and well-aimed kick to his shins. As his mind rapidly rejoins the real world, he looks up groggily from where he is slumped in the armchair, and is surprised to see the Prince glaring down at him frostily.

No, wait, that’s not right. _Prince?_ Where the hell did that come from?

Meanwhile, Olrik’s scowl deepens.

‘Back with us, are you?’ he asks scornfully. ‘Just as well. You’ve ten minutes to pull yourself together before I want to see you in my study. I’ve got a job for you and Maxim.’

And before Sharkey can gather his thoughts enough to form a reply, the boss is gone, striding out of the sitting room and closing the door behind him with a _snap._

 _A_ lone again, Sharkey sits up and stretches his stiff limbs, rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes as he tries to collect himself. As he does so, something slides off his lap onto the floor with a soft, papery _thump_. Momentarily confused, he looks down and oh yeah, he remembers now. There’d been a kid’s book left in here from some previous occupants of the mansion, or castle, or whatever this place they’re set up in is – a collection of Disney cartoons – and Sharkey had decided to take a read. He liked Disney, but it couldn’t have been all that interesting, though, if he’d fallen asleep.

Not a very restful sleep at that, either. Sharkey frowns, rubbing the back of his neck distractedly. He’d been dreaming, and a really weird dream at that, though most of the details were already fading. Something about a flying fish? That beardy professor digging things up in a forest? He has the feeling there had been something about squirrels and bluebirds, and that for some reason he might have been wearing a dress. Definitely not the sort of dream he usually has! And he’s pretty certain the boss was in it too, although…

A picture of the colonel dressed up like Robin Hood sitting astride a white charger suddenly fills Sharkey’s mind, and he sits for a moment genuinely at a loss as to what to do with this vision.

Then he shakes his head to clear it, pushes himself up out of the chair, and stumbles his way towards the kitchen. Coffee. Coffee is what he needs, if there’s any left. That’ll kick his brain back into shape. Or a beer. Yes, it’s a bit early, but all of a sudden he really fancies a beer; a nice cold one. Pity the boss wants him out on a job.

 _Well,_ he thinks, pushing open the kitchen door and stepping over that stupid mutt of Sadi’s, which is snoring its head off sprawled out on the rug. _It'll wait._

FIN.

**Author's Note:**

> *The traditional Armed Forces alternative lyric to this song usually runs thus:
> 
> "Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho,  
> It’s off to work we go  
> With a shovel/bucket and spade and a hand grenade  
> Heigh-ho!  
> Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho!”
> 
> Given Sharkey’s love of grenades, I think I owed it to him to include a reference.
> 
> N.B. on pairings: I don't personally ship Olrik/Sharkey, but I do enjoy reading about it whens it turns up.


End file.
